last two weeks has been overwhelming for me. i went home to iloilo to visit my angel and attend my brother's graduation. I was a bit shocked at how he has changed for the last three months that i've been away. he has become "suplado", and impatient. plus, he became very "sanggano"! he has become the most popular kid in our barangay as well!

at the first day, i was scared to wake up without my baby on my side. i thought my son was kidnapped (haha, as if i'm rich enough to pay the ransom!). but then i was informed that every morning he goes to our neighbor's house and goes home at around noon. i felt relieved when somebody fetches him from our house because he is really malikot but a bit disheartened because i really wanted to spend quality time with him.  sumasakit katawan ko sa kanya pero ayoko din sya mawala sa paningin ko! whew talaga! my son is really like my papa! very popular and sooo loved by all.

then mama, nonoy and i went to aklan to attend keith's graduation. i was so proud of my brother that i couldn't contain my emotions when he went up on stage to receive his diploma. i was teary eyed and my mama wasn't! goodness! dinaig ko pa sa drama ang nanay nya! hahaha! but honestly, his was an effort and i'm so damn proud to say that my brother graduated even not in flying colors!

well, just days after my vacation in iloilo, i was promoted as trainer!!! yipee! i was waiting for this moment for the past months and i finally got it! after all the emotional and mental sacrifices, victory suddenly came my way! looking back at all those hardships that i had, all i can say is that my patience and perseverance  truly paid off. i cried and struggled in desperation to get the position. there even came a time when i thought of resigning because my heart aches so much realizing that i might not get it. but, i left everything to the Might Power. i know he has plans for me and knows how i wanted and need the position. He is indeed mighty. i thank Him for the blessing. i'm more than happy with this promotion and this so far has been the best birthday gift that i'll ever have for my upcoming birthday. i'm so overwhelmed with what has happened to my life, and i couldn't ask for more... for now!

the princess' plan to have a week-long celebration for his birthday indeed came true! it started off with a dinner at pino on the night before honey went to manila. we have always planned to have dinner in that place and with the arrival of his credit card, things just happened! and he bought a new cellphone worth 20k as his gift to himself! isn't it nice? he surely deserve all of it. he's been so serious with his work and it's time for him to have whatever he wants in his colorful life.

on sat we went to mountainview. it was also nanay win's team building. we had a lot of fun. pat had two identical cakes. one from me and mona, the other one was from teetle, xenia, shaggie, etc. we had fun and they got drunk! well, only mona i guess. she even vomitted outside of mcdonald's! eeewww!!! but i'm happy to say that i was able to control myself and never had a shot of any alcoholic drinks! yipee for me!!! it was a challenge, though. hehehe.

i know i have been waiting for the time when brixx and i would be together. he has been my inspiration and the reason why i have been working like a dog and why i bear with this damn life that i have. but now that i was informed that i really need to get him as soon as possible, i started to worry and feel scared. deep down inside i know i direly long to hug and kiss him every moment of my life, yet i know i am financially unready to take care of him on my own. i don't even have a place of my own for god's sake! where will we live? how can i give him the most conjusive home that he needs? those questions have been bugging me for days now and how i wish i could find a solution to my problem in a very short span of time. he is my responsibility and not my family's, i am fully aware of that. but things aren't as easy as it should be for me.

right now i don't have plans yet as to how to do with our life in the next month. the only thing that's definite is we will be together now and my life will change drastically.  

80's...

nothing special has been happening in my life. i have no life at all, actually. i can't say i'm really bored, but sometimes i feel lonely knowing that i'm alone. work has been the reason why i'm still surviving and damn to say that i have no social life. maybe that explains why i don't have someone special as well.

i can't really say why i ended up in this misery. all i know is that i was enjoying every moment that i had, yet i guess they weren't smart moves. career-wise, it may be. but life with career alone isn't everything. there are still a lot of things that should complete me, and one of those of course is having a lifelong partner to share happiness. it's been years since i had a serious relationship. i wasn't bothered until this weekend when we watched a tagalog movie. gosh, how i miss having someone to talk to and rely on when i feel so down!

aw! before weekend i finally ended the "relationship" with s-mate. it was one heck of an experience. something i could never forget but never will do again. he has caused me a lot of heartaches and it's time for me to move on. though i'm not really done yet cause there is still something that i need to settle with him, i feel relieved to have realized that i need to persevere in ending it. no, i have realized it a long time ago. i wasn't just ready to let go of him i guess. call me mercenary but there is really something in him that i can't let go aside from attachment; though i know he is just using me for something as well. morally speaking, i shouldn't have engaged myself into that in the first place. well, it's too late to blame myself... and i enjoyed it eventhough there were more painful moments. and it's good to know that i have taken one big step to discontinue what we have or had.

i am not expecting something spectacular to happen in the next months of my dispirited life. where do i start? a question that i need to answer yet with my current wretched emotions, i am not mentally able to do so. geez, i feel annoyed to have this stage. and i wish this is just a chapter of my life and will not be forever!!!

i love french fries!!! who doesn't???

yipee!!! happy mcdo moments!!!

mom, i love this moment!!!

sundae please...

ummm.... yummy!!!

 
it's sinulog festival here in here and everybody is enthusiastically greeting everyone "pit señor!" raymond, win, roan, honey, pat, bozzing and i went to mango avenue to see the what the people are all going crazy about. we literally walked but not as far as i thought. it was so hot then suddenly rained. the weather here in cebu is really unpredictable.

i enjoyed, yes. who wouldn't??? we watched the dances with raymond and win! not to mention how weird honey was for going to the festival alone early morning! sometimes that girl is really crazy!

the festival was like the opening salvo of our dinagyang in iloilo. they just danced in not so ethnic way. more of an interpretative dance unlike in iloilo where the dancers are dressed as warriors in full battle gear and skin painted in black imitating the itas. the dance itself is not as enjoyable but it seemed like the crowd appreciated it.

i don't want to be biased. but i think the merry making is not as fun as in iloilo. you need to locate your crowd here in cebu. in iloilo we just go to the city proper and everybody's there. no social barriers at all. the best times of my life were during the dinagyang festival and so far the best festival that i've had.

nevertheless, i still enjoyed walking and laughing to the jokes and punchlines of raymond and win. nothing as much to say.

relocating in cebu gave me career oppurtunities. things that i didn't expect came and it overwhelmed me. at last, suddenly my career had a direction. i am so thankful to the bosses and friends who were always there for me whenever i'm so down, confused, and most of all to motivate me.

with great happiness and fulfillment that i am feeling right now also comes grief. i'm saddened that our contract is almost over and a lot of the relocators plan to resign and go back to manila. i understand how lonesome it is to be here on their own, away from their family. i, too, feel the same and all alone. but we have each other, or should i say i'm in a company that's so solid and  caring. i admit that i want to go back to manila, but not now. i have loved my housemates and the account that i'm with right now. i can't leave them. not at this state.

worse part, it's not just the resignation that everybody's worried about. some of them will be terminated. we're all terrified with the news. i understand the supervisors for their decision, it was a tough resolution for them to make. yes, it is indeed disappointing. supes had high hopes and expectations from these people. they brought us here with a belief that we could help out in the success of this site. and they committed an act that disheartened everybody.

 honey is right, though. everything is the consequence of their actions. they knew that they were not allowed to do those. we can't do anything for them unfortunately. it's sad. we just have to accept the fact that things will change soon, and a better life may be waiting for them somewhere...

my one week vacation has ended and i'm back here in cebu missing my angel! how i wish those days that i was with brixx would last forever... but i'm back to reality. working like a dog to give him the best of everything.

i came to realize the need for me to be able to fix my life in order for us to be together. with those time that i was taking care of my son, i felt the motherhood within me. i can be the best mom brixx could ever wish for, except that i'm unable to still manage my finances. other than that, nothing hinders us to be together again.

everything that i planned after my vacation is going smoothly. i need not rush. all i need is to be focused in order for me to attain success. i  know i can do it, for i love my dear angel so much.

honey's mom and sister arrived here in cebu yesterday for a vacation. we have all been waiting for their arrival since we will be coming along with them to bohol this weekend... yipee! at last i'll be able to see the chocolate hills, tarsier, and panglao!

they went to casa verde yesterday to pig-out. i didn't go with them since i was so tired and sleepy. but this morning we went to taoist temple. hehe, it took us 5 months before we were able to visit the place.

the place is really nice. as usual, all we did was take pictures on the different scenic area. pictures with the dragons, the miniature great wall of china (cebu version!), statues, etc. pat and i strolled seperately at first, then we saw mona and the rest praying to lao tzu. immediately we followed. we lit the incense, prayed, and asked questions using the half-moon stones. but unfortunately, there was supposed to be a process to follow in order to ask your questions like washing your hands as the first step which i wasn't able to do. it was a little embarassing, but it didn't stop me from doing the ritual all over again. i asked a lot of questions and wasn't satisfied with the answers. i was actually wanting a different answer. nevertheless, it was a great experience. i don't really expect those to come true though if in any case it will come into reality i think i will be able to accept.

i'm not quite sure if i'll be able to return to the place. but given the chance to visit it again, i hope to have proven at least one of lao tzu's answers... whether he is right or wrong...

 i felt like i was so blessed to have had this oppurtunity. however, i also felt so down when i learned that my crush was sooooo stupid for falling in love with a famous whore! gosh, that girl slept with a lot of our boss. it is so evident as well that the girl doesn't love him... he just happened to be on her side now that a lot knows of what she really is. gosh, i felt so yucky... i don't even want to be physically touched by him now (afraid i might get some disease or something). hay, sorry for being judgmental, but i can't help myself. i have looked up on him and thought of him to be highly intellectual and smart. yet suddenly my perception of him changed. i was really devastated by the news.

i miss my friends. i've been confused if i'll drop by manila before coming home and suddenly i felt the urge to see them. i want to spend one whole day chatting with them.

i miss micco. he has always been my listener. no matter what i blab about, he's always there to listen to me and support whatever i decide on. yeah... i miss micco so much, the guy with so much guts... soooo vain yet sooo humble..

harlon... mr. a**hole! the guy who unintentionally makes us laugh because of his weird dispositions in life! he's cool, i guess, but there's just something in him that makes other people hate him.  ... sha, ang babaeng mahirap intindihin! hindi sya nawawalan ng problema sa buhay!... and she can't stay long in any job! pasalamat lang sya at may hinaharap sya! may puhunan sya, hehehe... ... i really really miss pia... the first person in ps who became my bestfriend! gosh, that girl has been through a lot and deserves all the happiness that i hope will come her way soon. she is motherly and kind. i miss her sooo much!!! ... hay, i really really miss them now. i also miss red, lin, etc. hay... good thing honey is with me here in cebu. at least one of my close friends is beside me all the time. ... i wish i could see them now and hug them and laugh with them like before.... miss you friends!!!

it's been a bad week for me. i've been irritated with petty things in the last few days and now i get to hear a very hurting news. tsk tsk tsk. well, it's not just hurting-- it's more of insulting. i never liked the idea of comparing myself with other people but i can't help but do so this time. the girl whom my crush has an affair with happens to be in the same office (though different site). that girl used to talk to me!! grrr... modesty aside but i'm way too attractive than her! her physique is so amazon-like built for hard-work. forgive my mean description but it's really frustrating knowing all the humiliating things i've done for him. with all honesty i can say that i got turned-off to him because of his taste and feel nothing but disgusted to him.

argh! i'm not sure what's happening with my life right now. everything's blurry, everything's not going right. i need to unwind and reflect. probably i've been so stressed and what i'm thinking is just paranoia. fortunately tomorrow's my rest day. geez, i'll finally get to rest after two weeks of work! come to think of it... i almost forgot how it feels like to rest! whoa! anyways, sabog-sabog na sulat ko dito!! kung ano2 na yata naiisip ko... hahaha! 'di na gumagana utak ko!

i felt asleep irritated. i woke up still irritated with petty things that i don't usually mind on a normal day. well, not until last night. probably i don't really like the idea ever since and i just mummed about it in order not to cause any misunderstanding. sometimes i wish people would be sensitive enough. just because i have been quiet and complacent doesn't mean i'm good and i've changed the way others wanted me to be. yes, i have changed and i have become patient. i've had been struggling for that, and i wish they'll exert effort as well for me not to reach my saturation point and become the real me again who's a bitch and insensitive.

i have been so excited with our trip to kawasan falls later today. everything is going the way i planned. all of a sudden, poof! i can't go. the vacation that we have all been looking forward will not push through. 

i am so disappointed. these people has been as excited as i am and has been so cooperative with me. i'm sure they're equally saddened with the news. i understand that my priority is work and this is nobody's fault. still, it's been our much awaited get-away from the stress that we all have been having at work. nobody's blaming me for this, but i can see the disappointment in them as well.

probably it's not meant to be. but i'm still looking forward to going to kawasan falls.

s-mate and i apparently went back together. i can't say i love him that's why i can't leave him, but sometimes i wonder what makes me cling to this "relationship" when i know for a fact that i can't expect anything more than yum-yum from him. maybe it's the convenience. all i have to do is call him whenever i wanna feel loved, call him whenever i want "it", call him whenever i'm drunk... call him anytime and he's there! i must admit though that there are times that i also get hurt with him-- times when i wanted more from him and he can't fulfill or reach my expectations. i can't see myself with him or growing old with him but at this point in time i don't want to lose him. i want him, i guess i need him also.

haaay, how i wish i could end this thing with s-mate. ours is not a "healthy relationship" but obviously very convenient. i'm still hoping that the right person for me would come, and i don't want that right man to be him! no, never! he is not the right man for me 'coz he will always be the wrong one! what we have now is perfect but i don't see it as a lifetime partnership.

i was downloading my pix yesterday and i happened to have seen the pic of my lola. gosh, how i miss her! it's the longest time that i've been seperated from her. how i wish i could fly to see her. her mere voice is not enough... i'd love to kiss her, hug her, and tell her how much she means to me.

i couldn't imagine my life without her. all these time she has been with me, living for me. sometimes i feel guilty since i know that she has been struggling with whatever illnesses she have because she feels she can't leave me behind. she thinks i'm not ready to face the world on my own yet which is true. if there's someone who understands me and knows how i feel without probing, that will be my dear granny. no words needed.

i'm missing her desperately as i write this. things are starting to confuse me. but i should bear in mind that i should do well in my life right now for her to be happy, and i'm doing this partly for her.

my work has been enslaving me for months now. i've been so desperate to have a break... and i want to go the beach!

funny because i'm in a place where beaches are just a 45min travel and still i wasn't able to go on my rest days! urgh! i'm starting to hate myself for not doing what i want. i've had tons of plans for myself travelling around cebu yet i have only accomplished so little... and i'm on my 4th month here now! i have been so unproductive (enjoyment wise!, hehe) and i'm not doing anything to resolve this "so-called issues" that i have.

things got to change somehow. i need to go to this beach resort in a month:

once again, i had a "kilig" moment then now i'm depressed. for weeks that i've been waiting for this and the happiness that i experienced was less than a minute. partly i am at fault for not doing something, hence i guess it's a wake-up call for me to stop the fantasy.

life goes on. i need to get back to the life that i had and will probably have in a long period of time. it may sound pathetic but that's reality. the fulfillment and happiness that i longed for is quite impossible at this moment of my life, though i still cling on to hope. i had to... it's the only thing that i have for now.

sometimes i wish i have dealt my life differently. i have always been positive on everything yet it was never enough. i should've done something else. i don't want to regret what i have done. i have been happy with what i have although not fulfilled. like everybody else, i long for something more that would make me complete. i'm human, i bet it's natural. it's only the agony thinking of what could REALLY make me satisfied that distresses me. at my age i am still at lost.

i love my life. but i want to love it more. i want to be complete. and i want to know what would make me complete.

another happy moment passed. another memory to cherish for a lifetime. life with too much guts has been on my side.

thinking back, i've been lucky to get what i want, though i don't really deserve most of it. i've had my fair share of pain and sacrifices,  yet i'm still priviledged to devastate darkness.  halfway of my lifetime has been a whirlwind excitement with nothing to be ashamed of but to be proud of.

as a result of my excitement, i'm now in a more than happy state of emotion with what happened. yes, i was completely drunk... as drunk as hell!

i did things which i can not surely do when i'm on the right mind. my actions were explicably unacceptable. but i enjoyed and caught his attention. because of what i did, i'm looking forward to another moment with him. yeah, it was a deal that's why but still he said yes. and i'm so excited to realize and know the animal within him... grrrr!!!  he is sooooo kewl! i'm beginning to like him head over heels!!!